Yeah. This week was crap.
I did not write on Monday the 31st like I said I would.
I did edit on Tuesday, April 1st, the beginning of Camp NaNoWriMo like I said I would but not on the project I said I would. And then I didn't do squat for the rest of the week, until today, when I did more editing like a good girl.
Ironically, The Vampire Baron, the project I meant to edit this month, is a gothic romance that is one of my most favoritest things I have ever written. And most of the people who beta'd it said the same thing, or something along those lines, I do not mean to put words in people's mouths, but I got great responses from Beta readers is what I am tellin' you. But it has a flaw.
A major, fatal, 'did the character just grow a huge set of stupid?' kind of flaw.
This flaw requires rewrites, the breadth of which I have not done before. I know what I need to do - I almost have it figured out and written down, that is how close I am to knowing what needs to be done.
But I'm scared.
Like the clown in It kind of scared. If It were to manifest in front of me, it would be in the form of manuscript edits, which though a rather ethereal thing, I would know what it was and would be terrified.
So instead, I am working on a mishmash genre piece called The Endways of the Gods which is about these superhero type fantasy folk who go through portals into other worlds, it's a whole 'other thing. It's also something that terrifies me but it probably has no chance in hell of finding an audience and I can just edit it for me. I will continue to do that until the fear of the manuscript edits on Vampire Baron go away and I can pick it up without hyperventilating.
Every year, I buy a couple of really gorgeous planners. One is a day-a-page planner I use as a diary and planner. The other is a week-at-a-glance planner with a full week on two pages. This one I use to keep track of my word count and writing related things such blog posts, etc. This second book is painfully ink free this year.
Like, really, really blank. Sadly blank. Depressingly blank. A sea of blankness.
I don't feel good about that. When I'm not writing I feel like I have no point. I drift. I don't sleep well. Guilt bows me down. And yet I don't address it. I don't sit down and write.
When it comes to writing, I require a deadline to start. I know that makes no sense, but I need to start at the beginning of something: a week, a month, a year. I can't just say to myself I should be writing, right now. I think, I will prepare myself; I say at this time and date I will sit down and begin. And that's silly. Sitting down and writing a paragraph doesn't take any preparation at all. And writing every day doesn't require that you follow a set formula: in other words, you don't have to write or edit on the same story until you are done. I could do something new. I could edit a page. I've had flashes of story ideas and/or scenes and I have not sat down and written them. They've disappeared like sparks flying upwards. Yes. I've been watching John Green videos.
I've also been spending a lot of time on Tumblr, reblogging photos of tea cups and piles of open books and things instead of writing. I think I'm turning into a hipster. It's a terrifying eventuality. I wonder when I'll get my plaque and salad tongs...which I will employ in an ironic way. I'll use them to serve asparagus rather than salad.
But I digress.
If you would like to see lots of reblogged photos of open books and cups of tea and coffee, please feel free to visit my tumblr at bettieleetwoOccasionallyWrites and please follow me. I think I have 5 followers. It's embarrassing. And the name is timely, don't you think? There are also lots of Sherlock fandom stuff and me making fun of Tom Hiddleston's perfection and celebrating the amazingness that is Robert Downey the Jr. and Richard Armitage's steely visage. Also... feminism.
I continue to digress.
So tonight I decided to write a blog post and to do it tonight, not tomorrow or on April 1st. I really love my blog and I have missed it, but didn't see much point in writing blog posts when I had nothing to blog about, writing wise. I feel so out of touch with words. Like I said, all at sea, adrift, unable to anchor my thoughts. And I'm going to do some writing tomorrow, as well. I don't know what it will be. It might be a flash piece, it might be another blog post about all the reading I've been doing. I don't know. But I will write tomorrow. And on Tuesday, I will begin Camp NaNoWriMo, where everything's made up and the points don't matter... wait. That's the Drew Carey show. It's like NaNoWriMo only less. My hope is to work on The Vampire Baron. It needs serious editorials. And also features Richard Armitage's steely visage.
And I may or may not have bought some See's candy. I see no reason why I should have any shame about this. I mean, look at that Teen Mom porn girl.
akdjfa;jfdkajfkda;jfklda;jfkdlajfda
Sorry. Fangirling. Yeah.
Anyway -I should have posted after I won the NaNoWriMo - which I did. So yay! Not so much yay is that the book is not done. We're only about halfway there. So that's, you know, boo. :(
I usually eschew New Year's Resolutions. Nobody ever keeps them. Only the fitness centers truly prosper. And they are helmed by the evil or the insane. So I won't call it that. I just really want to get back to my 2009 level of dedication to my writing. I don't seem to be able to do that "write/edit" every day thing. And I know that is what is necessary. And it is fear that keeps me from it and overpowering the joy that writing usually gives me.
So I won't call it a resolution, I just want to fall back in love with my own writing, the process, the adventure. It's felt like work. And not good work These are all things I've said before, and I have had things like "why are you still bothering?" kinds of thoughts going through my head.
But without writing, I don't got much. So that is why I still bother.
I would also like to try and do 2 blog posts a week. Wednesday and Saturday sound good to me.
And..... lastly.... fangirling of note.... SHERLOCK LIVES! SHERLOCK BEING BROADCAST ON BBC TODAY!!!!!!!!!!
*runs away, flailing and falls down*
