Not Dead. No, Really!

No, please do not remove the pickets from the fence or the spicket from the side of the house. This blog has not been abandoned, despite the cobwebs in the cornices. And I am not dead, or disappeared to places unknown... it’s just felt that way.

I don’t know how to preface this, and believe me, I don’t want to sound like some sort of tortured artist. I believe most tortured or drug addicted or alcoholic artists that stand around wringing their hands over their art are that way because they refuse to do anything about it - in other words, they have carved themselves a niche and become comfortable, and the fear of crawling out of that niche and having to redefine themselves is too overwhelming. That doesn’t mean they are bad people, they have just forgotten that artists are supposed to push themselves. I'm not talking about depression not being a real thing - it is. Many artists that struggle with depression do just that: struggle. There are several people I have met “virtually” who are open and honest about their struggles, and they continue to work, write, and produce material. Those are people I really admire. And I don’t want to alienate the boys because I am about to bring up three little letters: PMS - the scourge of the 80’s!

I haven’t been around too much because I’ve spent the last two weeks drifting in and out of a hazy darkness, and trying to pretend I wasn’t. In other words, I wasn't struggling, I was drifting. I didn’t want to admit it, I didn’t want to say anything to anyone, and I tried to continue to be myself, at least on the outside. This slow slide began around the time of the dreaded PMS - pre-menstrual syndrome to those of you without uterus-usses. That phrase is a wormy one, because the symptoms can come before, during and/or after the menstrual period (I know! UGH!) Mine is usually 12-24 hours of a strange, disassociated sadness, where I think everyone is whispering about me and my feelings are continually being hurt. I know during that time that it's just hormones, and the people I was friends with 24 hours earlier will still be my friends in another 24 hours - in other words, I try to take it for what it is - 24 hours of woe-is-me, and then done.

Not this time. I felt withdrawn, and began to withdraw. I’ve been in lurker mode on AW. I haven’t kept up with my blog or anyone else’s, and I feel bad about that. I’ve not responded to some emails. Have let a few promised things fall through the cracks, which sort of intensified my downward spiral so that I withdrew even more. These feelings coincided with the realization I didn’t have an ending for my book, and the overwhelming feeling that the year and half work on this has been akin to a mouse with four wheels in its cage; it spins and spins and spins them but never gets anywhere, and doesn’t come any closer to making those four wheels into a usuable vehicle. That feeling led to less writing. The less writing, the closer the black cloud came, the more worthless I feel, the more I withdraw.

So, I think I am going to admit that I am feeling down, downright down. I haven’t made it any better by putting up with some crap in the name of not making waves. Now I’m trying to kick myself in the butt, to not wallow. I’ve gone over some notes and found a magic line in which there is an ending for the book, rather than a lame cliffhanger. I think it’s a real, acceptable, jam punch ending where something is lost, something is gained and the story is moved forward. I have known the book needs work, what book doesn’t? I know the fairies aren’t going to write it for me, and the re-write is where the real work is, and a writer shouldn’t be afraid of doing real work.

So, that’s where I’ve been, and this has been my self-indulgent rant. I’ve gotten it out of my system, I hope, and will try and muscle forward. This blog was going to be about the writing process of a working schlub, and if I don’t write about the down times, then I don’t think it is a valid representation of said schlub’s journey. I wrote “Novel Done” on the square for August 14th and I hope I make it, but if not, that’s ok, because the “Summer Challenge” I joined on AW had a date of September 1st. I can live with that.

Back in the Saddle Again

Well, I have missed you. Don't know if you've missed me. I fell off the wagon after going to visit my sister, and got squat done in two weeks. I have rededicated myself, and I got 7 pages tonight. I am still aiming for 4 pages minimum a day. I am a lot closer to the end than I thought - I've already started writing the climax. However, there are 2 plot lines I've sorta let trail off... so there are a few more scenes to write and add in. Because of that, I can't say how much longer before I am "done" with the first draft. I hope to finish book II sometime around the middle of August at the very very latest. Then start editing book I (because I can't wait to edit that first chapter, God that thing is utter crap!) including writing up the chapter bits for doing a synopsis on book I and book II. I suck at those, and they will be needed for query time. Sigh. That should help me get ready for writing book III. Maybe I will even send book I off for beta? Maybe...

I've also signed up for nanowrimo! I'm not sure what to do... try and make myself write 3000 words a day... or just aim for the 50,000 and write bare a well padded outline of the first draft. I'm terrible at just going full steam ahead. I am always going back and fixing and adding. 

Oh well. That is where I am. I hope I haven't lost all my followers with my long silence. I thank you all for your kind words... when I actually give you something to comment on! 

Recharging the Battery

It's been a number of days since my last post because I've been away at my sister's house up north. Good God in Heaven, but it was hot. Four days of 100 plus temperatures with my sister, her two kids and the five kids from the neighbor's coming over every five minutes. It went so fast I can't quite remember everything that happened. However, it was a battery recharging I needed, a chance to get away from my tiny apartment, see my family and immerse myself in the majesty and beauty Northern California has to offer.

I will give you some blurbs: Lots and lots of trees. Most very tall. Ash, oak, fur, apple, neat lines of walnut trees, lacey strings of grapes and snarls and snarls of burdocks. Flat white rocks that ground together like teeth under my car tires. Sweat dripping down the back of my leg, then blood from three mysterious gashes. The feel of Robin's breath on my calf as she bandaged me. Lisa's laughter outside, echoed by everyone within hearing range, because Lisa's laugh is more infectious than swine flu. Cassie's wheat colored hair being slicked and straightened under a brush. Dustin upside down on every piece of furniture. Sunlight slanting through blinds and striping kitties with gold bricks. Cattails itchy against bare legs. Flip-flops smacking against concrete, packed dirt, and slipping on gravel. Meat bees humming over the skirt steak. The dogs hitting the motherlode when the kid's table is abandoned. A pinata filled with toys and hard candy. Three little kids smeared with chocolate icing, followed by three naked little kids smelling of berry soap. Poor Hailey's labored breathing in the night. Birds with magic wings flitting to the feeder. Waking up covered in sweat, so it feels like all your folded places have been oiled. Lifting the blanket to grab cooling waves of air from the fan. My dad up on a ladder and briefly wondering about his mortality. Indestructible moon sand meteors. Smiles, tears, why nots? He saids, you saids, I wannas. I hate yous. You're not my friends. Glad you came. Glad I came. Missed exit. I made it home. I had a great time. Thank you for coming. Thank you for having me. I miss you already. I love you.

AW Blog Chain

Well, the AW blog chain is rolling along. I am picking up where Fokker Aeroplanbau left off
at http://rightfarright.blogspot.com/ . This blog chain has no set topic, we are just supposed to roll off each other as we go along. So far, the topic has been climate change, and our impact (or lack of impact) on it.

My topic will be individual responsibility about resources, and the scientists can fight and argue over whether or not it affects our climate. Rain forests are disappearing, logging is clearing huge chunks of the United States, and whether or not it affects the weather, I am not well educated enough to tell you. I don't think it's a good thing for trees to be sacrificed to fuel the wasteful practices of some people. I was raised with "waste not, want not" ringing through the air, from my grandmother and a plethora of aunts and cousins. I still use my teabags at least twice. It kills me to see someone write one line on a piece of paper and then throw it out. It's one of my pet peeves!

We live in a world glutted with paper. Paper cups, paper napkins, paper liner on the try at the deli, paper instructions, paper wrapper around the paper cup, paper receipt for buying the newspaper. I remember the joy of buying clean white paper to print out my stories. Now I am older and A) Poor and B) More aware. I would love to print out my stuff on new paper, but now I use recycled paper from an excellent source: my work! You would not believe the amount of paper we throw out in the specialty plumbing business. I am not such a snob as to overlook free paper, I don't care if it's got orders or breakdowns of faucets and toilets on the other side! This way it is: A) FREE! and B)Would just be going into a landfill if I didn't use it. When I'm done marking up my manuscript and done retyping it, I'll carry that to the recycle bin at my apartment complex. That is at least 500 pages of paper I know aren't going to be disintegrating among the plastic bottles and broken dollies in a landfill. When it's time to start querying, I'm going to make my first attempts online. If I should find an awesome agent I just HAVE to query that doesn't accept email queries, I will use recycled paper, recycled packaging material (and probably recycled money to mail it with. Who needs cable tv, right?!)

Do I think this is going to change the world? Is the Antarctic going to stop melting? Are the polar bears going to have more seals to eat? Probably not. But there is no reason to buy a new ream of paper (even though... oh doesn't it smell good?) wrapped in a paper wrapper, for which I will get a paper receipt, and a plastic bag to carry it home in. I do this because it seems like the right thing to do, and it might make things a little easier on our friends, the trees.

If you are interested, here is the rest of the blog chainers:

Razib Ahmed: http://hobbyeconomist.blogspot.com/ --- Hobby EconomistFokker Aeroplanbau: http://rightfarright.blogspot.com/ -- I'm Always Right, Far RightBettielee: http://farseeingfairytales.blogspot.com/ ---- Far Seeing Fairy Tales Bsolah: http://www.benjaminsolah.com/blog ---- Benjamin Solah, Marxist TalksForbidden Snowflake: http://www.alleslinks.com/ ------ DeliriousRosemerry: http://beyondtourism.wordpress.com/ --- Beyond Tourism: Florida's YesteryearDnic: http://four-lettered-words.blogspot.com/ ---------- Four-Lettered WordsLady Cat: http://www.randomwriterlythoughts.blogspot.com/ --- Random Writerly ThoughtsTruelyana: http://expressiveworld.com/ -- Expressive World Tika: http://tikanewman.blogspot.com/ ---------- Tika Newman Bill Ward: http://www.billwardwriter.com/ --- BillWardWriter.comdancingandflying: http://madeofcarbon.blogspot.com/ ---- Made of Carbon

Progress, and A Writer to Writer Meme

So, things are going along singing a song! The end is near, things are coming to a head, things are coming together, and the last two days have been writing magic! I have so many ideas about what’s happening I had to open a new file and type them all down, before they drift away like seeds on the wind. Now, if the cat would stop trying to eat my mouse cord....

I came across this on Isaac Espriu’s Place who said he found it at Got Muse? A Writer-To-Writer Meme . I am enjoying these....

1) Where do you write?
I have a card table (had to ix-nay on the esk-day, damn chair wouldn’t fit!) I am surrounded by my pictures of architecture. For some reason, architecture just sets my brain free. I also have pictures and figurines of fairies. I gotta have flair. 

2) When do you write?
Unfortunately,  I work for a living. I hate that. So after work is when I write. I am a night owl, but I am trying to write earlier, so it is the first thing I do, not the last.

3) Planner or Pantser?
Pantser! Loud, Proud, Pantser! I’ll tell you why I started writing. Stephen King said I could, and that I didn’t have to plan it all out. And I don’t mean he personally told me I could, but I read “On Writing”. He believes that stories are found things, that they are in the earth, and all you have to do is chip away the stone and dirt, and yes, the occasional rotted piece of plastic or old shoe loafer. You don’t always get it all, sometimes you break off a piece, but if you are honest and telling a story, you will get out as much as you need. He told a journalist that, who told him he was coo  coo for coco puffs. Stephen King told him he didn’t care if he (the reporter) believed him. Frankly, I don’t care if you believe it either. It works for me, and time and time again, I stumble over a big huge piece of ancient buried story that I never knew was there. It’s awesome.

4) Coffee or tea?
Coffee. Iced in the summer (but I have to buy those!), warm in the winter. Generally, I brew my own, but oh, how I love a mocha from Starbucks....

5) Pen and paper, or computer?
Computer - for writing. However, I adore journals, love love love journals. I always have one for my notes, ideas, character information and general ramblings.

6) What gets you in the writing mood?
Writing. I need to get the fingers and brain warmed up a little, so I like to go on Absolute Write and do some goofing off. 

7) What pulls you out of the writing mood?
I use any excuse, but I am doing so much better now. Being broke. Being broke sucks! Being depressed, but the writing helps with that. I guess... not writing pulls me out of the writing mood! The guilt begins to weigh....

8.) What’s the best writing advice you’ve ever read/heard/received?
Read a lot. Write a lot.

9) Got muse?
Yes. She comes out of the aether. From nowhere. I’ll look at a rock... and think, what if there were elf-like elephants that came out of the desert to dispense wisdom, or punishment... The more I write, the more I read, the more ideas I get. I love ideas. They’re like particles. They bang into each other and make more little particles.

10)Who is the biggest supporter of your writing?
I’ve written this almost verbatim on AW. When I mention my writing, my sister says “I know you’ll publish. I know you’re gonna be a writer.” It makes me feel special.

11)Sound or silence?
Music! I gotta have tunes. Each book has had a different soundtrack.

What about you? If you want to do this, please be sure and follow the link Got Muse? A Writer-To-Writer Meme and read the instructions for contributing. (We’re writers, we ought to know how to do that!)

Look forward to reading everyone’s answers!

Ask The Characters What They Want to Do

Today’s writing was in short, totally awesome. Ten pages, and I didn’t pull anything or make any sacrifices to any Gods, real or imagined. It felt like the good ol’ days, back when I was doing the first book. It’s like I stopped positioning characters and just stood back, turned off the thinking part of the brain (that does nothing for me except spin and throw me off) and the story just played itself out. Threads of plots are coming together, stuff is coming to light. The end is coming, and it is going to be a BANG.

I’ve also been waffling about a certain scene with a certain pair of characters. I went to a lovely writer of romance I have become buddies with for advice (Nancy, AKA, wannawrite). She gave me lots to think about, and chief among them was: see what the characters want to do. Then I remembered, they had to do it for the plot. Damn plot. Well, you know what happens then. When plot gets in the way, the characters balk. Apparently, throw sex at them and they get all agreeable. It’s possible my recent rubbing up against sparklepeaches on AW is rubbing off, because I wrote my first real sex scene. I had imagined it would be nothing but the before and after, but well, I just got in there with them. Now this is fantasy, and you can’t be graphic. Your euphemisms must be beyond euphemistic, in other words, throbbing and swelling aren't allowed. And it is integral to the story, I will jump up and down and proclaim that from the mountain tops. Without the information gained through this scene, things don’t add up.

Coming near to the end of book II, and a breakthrough. And I’m spent....

Meme's

So ironic. I just asked what a meme was, saw on one on Isaac Espriu’s Place asked about copying it (which I will, but the link to the original blog isn't working) and was tagged by Sarah Dooley for a meme! It's all comin' together. I feel very special!

Sinful Nature

"Sometimes you can learn more about a person by what they don’t tell you. Sometimes you can learn a lot from the things they just make up. If you are tagged with this Meme, lie to me. Then tag 7 other folks (one for each deadly sin) and hope they can lie."

Pride -- What is your biggest contribution to the world?

My witty responses in AW

Envy -- What do your coworkers have that you wish was yours?

Two computers on their desks!

Gluttony -- What did you eat last night?

Chicken salad from Jack in the box (don’t cook on Fridays. Don’t cook!)

Lust -- What really lights your fire?

Naked pictures of Colin Farel.

Anger -- What is the last thing that really pissed you off?

An a-hole pointed out a spelling error I made in public. With a really snarky, patronizing tone. 

Greed -- Name something you hoard and keep from others.

Just about anything I can get my hands on. I wish I was less greedy and more generous. 

Sloth -- What’s the laziest thing you ever did?

Did I mention Fridays? Once I did that all week. All week....

I tag the following people:

Adam Slade

Singer416

dianalyndsey

Leah Michelle

Lee

smsarber

Sarah

Now. Lie, lie, lie, lie, lie... even though... I think all mine were filled with truthiness...

As for the book, things are hummin' along singing a song. I vowed to write every day this week, and I have, but Thursday was pathetic, with only a page and half worth. Now I am getting to some more stuff I had planned on over a year and a half ago. Now, if only the cat would leave me alone....