You know ‘em. You love ‘em. Some of them are suggested by your friends or favorite authors, fellow writers or teachers. Some of them just pop up... because you can’t fuckin’ take it anymore.
Such is the case in my one woman diatribe against The Facebook. I heard that in the commercial for Social Network - not that I give half a rat hair to see the movie, but ever since, I been callin’ it The Facebook and callin’ it good. I mean, The Facebook is clearly not good, it is an evil overlord that someday will rise up and crush us all, but until then, I can share my witty repartee with the world. What I will no longer abide, however, are these frickin’ obnoxious and stupid ads that run along one side of my wall!!!
They were innocuous at first. A pile of delicious donuts, with the offer of coupons for goods and services in the San Francisco Bay Area. A link to websites selling fairy gear. An offer to “Like” The One Ring Dot Net. Notices when Stevie Nicks would be playing in my area, all this culled from my profile. But then.... offers to enlarge my breasts. Ads promising the services of hunky cowboys in chaps. Suggestions that perhaps my teenage daughter had an eating disorder. At first, I threw up my hands shouting omgwtfbbq! These can’t be aimed at ME! Then, I noticed the little X near the ad. You can click it to remove the ad... and they ask you why this ad was inappropriate for you.
Ask and you shall receive, Facebook. Thus was my current writing exercise born.
Well, The Facebook, my boobs are just fine. I mean, they could be a little higher, but I just turned 40, and thank you for reminding me of that. And no, I’m not looking for a cowboy. I’m a little more the suburban, studious, well-groomed type. And yes, I may be alone, but who are you to suggest that somehow my life is lacking? Or that I am so desperate as to turn to the ads on The Facebook to find me my studious, well-groomed reader of Poe and Tolkien? And as for my daughter??? I don’t have a daughter,Facebook! What the hell? It’s like you don’t know me at all! You don’t listen! You don’t pay attention! It’s like we’re not even in a relationship at all! All you do is take and take and take, despite the fact my profile is right there for you to cull from. And cull from it you have.
And this is what you come up with. Boob doctors, cowboys and anorexic emos.
Well, fuck you, Facebook, and your little ads, too!
I admit that I was hoping this might cause a bit of a stir with The Facebook, or improve the quality of the ads. I have not been banned, and now they want to send me to Guatamala to meet hot singles. Meh. At least it gives me something to do. And it’s the only writing I’ve done in the last month, besides this witty blog post.